Repelling The Armies of Chaos By Johnny Badhair. As I’m sure we’re all aware by now, the overwhelming assault on humankind by the hordes of Living Dead is just around the corner...

As I’m sure we’re all aware by now, the overwhelming assault on humankind by the hordes of Living Dead is just around the corner. Most of you have already made your preparations for this attack, but there are a few out there who are treating this as a joke instead of recognizing it as the menace that is is. For those of you who need it (and you know who you are), here is a partial list of items you need to have on hand when the attack comes down.

GUNS and lots of 'em:

You won’t get five feet without a good supply of weaponry. Handguns with easy loading clips are a good choice, but nothing beats a sawed-off shotgun for pure destructive power. Your best bets, however, are semi-automatic weapons, my personal favorite being the Uzi 9mm. With single shot or automatic capabilities, this baby adapts to every situation, whether you’re surrounded by a mob of zombies of just picking off one or two while getting groceries. Stay away from items like axes and clubs. While dynamic enough to make any home video more exciting, getting that close to the enemy is never a sound strategy.


While it’s true that in the post-apocalyptic world of the Living Dead we'll have our pick of cars, this is not an excuse to grab the flashy Lamborghini’s and Jaguar’s of dead friends and neighbors. Be practical. Four wheel drive is a must. Soft-top jeeps are a death trap. For long trips, vans and campers are great; plenty of storage space for guns, ammo, and extra gas. For those of you who become truly suicidal, I suggest motorcycles.


How else will you keep in touch with the other scattered remnants of humanity? But be careful in their use; it’s nearly impossible to tell over the radio just how stable someone is. The last thing you need to do is give your location away to a band of insane biker chicks. Always use codenames. In addition to concealing your own identity, they can intimidate would-be enemies. Therefore, avoid using names like Stinky, Bladder Boy, and The Human Erection. Try to stick with pseudonyms that evoke strength or confidence, such as Zombie Scourge, ManThing, or Death From Above.


You'll also need food, and clothes, and things like that. Other helpful advice includes going outside in groups of three or more (even to take a leak!), don’t pitch camp next to cemeteries, and always shoot for the head; gut shot won’t stop zombies.

Remember, your brains are your friends, protect them at all costs!

For more information, ask at your local bookstore or public library for Beyond The Grave: How to Survive a Full Scale Attack by the Living Dead by Johnny Badhair.

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