The other day I was at the Harold Washington Public Library just looking around the film section and I made a mistake. Actually several mistakes. There's really no excuse, I knew what I was doing, but I did it anyway.

On the shelf there were at least five copies of 5001 Nights at the Movies along with Hooked and Taking It All In, and, being the dumbass that I am, I looked through them all.

Before it was over I came to the conclusion that Pauline Kael is probably the last great movie critic. A person with a true grasp of film theory accompanied by a vast knowledge of films. And all I can say is thank God she's not writing anymore.

Back in the wonderful days of my college career I wrote film reviews for the Michigan Daily. Now I wrote reviews, not criticism—there is, ladies and gentlemen, a difference. Reviews are basically "I liked this film" or "I didn't like this film and this is why." Criticism is getting into the psychology of the film and then saying why it sucked. Criticism requires a lot of studying and reading and understanding so that you pass through and beyond the "I liked it" phase. Criticism involves understanding the reasons you liked Black Shampoo. Criticism is a lost art that never should have been found.

Now I should say that I went to the library for many different reasons, but one of them was to look up these books. No, it was not a masochistic fantasy lived out, but, rather, research. An article had appeared in the Tribune talking about Clint Eastwood and "his consistent nemesis, the much admired, much imitated critic Pauline Kael, who unfailingly attacked every Eastwood movie she reviewed from the 1960's to her retirement." ("Has Clint Eastwood Gone Soft?" by Michael Wilmington, Chicago Tribune, May 28th 1995, Arts Section.) Actually further research has shown that Ms. Kael is still slamming Eastwood in interviews (see The New Yorker, March 1994).

So I wanted to see what was up with Ms. Kael. And what I found will stay with me forever. Maybe that's much to Ms. Kael's credit. Or maybe the reason I won't forget is the same reason I won't forget the festering maggots I once saw crawling around a dead frog's back. Anyway...

I can't remember which volume it was, Taking It All In, Reeling, or I Lost It at the Movies, but there was a quote from master auteur Sergio Leone, "DeNiro suffers while Eastwood yawns." Kael goes on to say that Eastwood is simply that, a "yawner."

Well, my blood was boiling at this point and, without much self consideration, I continued to read. Ms. Kael went on to criticize Paul Verhoeven's direction in RoboCop, calling him "RoboDirector." What does that mean? Did she even see the movie? Without Verhoeven behind the wheel there would have been no movie. He pushed the violence to a new level where it was so extreme that it became a parody of itself. And I'm sure Ms. Kael would have said just what I said, although in a derogatory tone.

Then there was the little thing about Blade Runner not being about anything. She was smart enough to note that the film should have a place in film history because of the sets, that's all. The film's not about anything? Maybe she wasn't listening. In the voice over version Harrison Ford practically tells you that it's about the loss and discovery of humanity. Maybe Pauline stepped out to use the can.

And then the stuff about Hal's voice in 2001: A Space Odyssey sounding homosexual. Or Dirty Harry being about the destruction of all liberal ideas, a "Fascist's fantasy." Or how she feels that Clint Eastwood's newfound respect is simply a consolation prize.

Ultimately I can only come to one conclusion and it's the only one I can live with. It's me, I just don't get it. All the big words and pompous phraseology Ms. Kael employs is just too much for me to grasp. I'm just a simple filmgoer while Ms. Kael is, indeed, a critic, specializing in criticism, not reviews. Well, lady, I sat through theory and I paid my dues and I thank you not to say anything when I shell out my seven dollars for The Bridges of Madison County or Waterworld. You will always be a legend, but then so will Ronald Reagan in too many minds.