I haven't seen Return of the Jedi in a few years. And you're lucky for that, because I could go through it and give a step-by-step analysis of why I hate every scene in that film. But we'll keep this at a general overview.
Go back and watch Star Wars and tell me what you feel. When I watch it I feel like I'm watching a huge Japanese epic that is truly galactic in scope and delivers all that it promises. Some might accuse it of simply being a pastiche of familiar scenes and universal themes just set in a galaxy far, far away, but even if it is, it works.
I love that in Star Wars they don't explain every little thing. The sets and special effects don't overshadow the characters. In Star Wars, the story is king.
Jedi falls victim to the current day phenomenon of "well, we can do all these neat effects, let's build a story around them."
When I look at Return of the Jedi I see a film that is pandering to the lowest common denominator, a pastiche of scenes that proved popular in the first two films—space battles, aliens, sword-fights. When I look at ROTJ I think that there's no way George Lucas had any of it in mind when he came up with Star Wars—either that, or he's the biggest money whore I've ever seen take a series from the highest of the high to these depths.
Just the idea of building another Death Star was the start of the big cop-out. And don't tell me they had Leia in mind as Luke's sister the whole time or I'll vomit when I see her slip him the tongue on the ice-planet of Hoth in The Empire Strikes Back.
Then there's the Ewoks—yeah, we've been fighting the Empire for all these years, guess we just needed some sticks and rocks to defeat them forever. A marketer's dream—cute, cuddly, and with the name STAR WARS on it, they'll sell like crazy.
Yeah, sell-out.
And since when did the Empire (do you know what that word means, empire?) become so tiny? When did Lord Vader move from one of many Lords of the Sith—one of many bureaucratic governors (like Grand Moff Tarkin)—to "The Shit"? Were all of the governors on that original Death Star?
And when did C-3PO change from a used-car salesman (as he frequently acted like in Star Wars) to the bumbling booby Dr. Smith impersonator that he became in ROTJ?
I really liked Empire a lot but there were some bad seeds planted there. But, I place all the blame on ROTJ for taking the ball and running with it.
From the very beginning we are introduced to funny creatures (keeps the kids happy) and dumb-ass comic relief. We have Luke returning home without a second glance at his former world and trying the front-door approach that might have worked if he was a real Jedi Knight.
Up until this point in the article I have tried to keep my perspective as a 23-year-old cinephile looking back on one of the most sour notes in movie threquels, which might even put Superman III to shame when comparing ROTJ to the two films that came before it. Damn, I hate that film.
But now it's time to unleash that eleven-year-old who saw ROTJ three times at the theater and hear what his biggest complaint was...
Those creeps killed off Boba Fett! Boba is only the coolest of all the bounty hunters and he dies in a totally dumb way that's supposed to be like a joke or something?!? Get real! The whole Sarlacc pit was just dumb and I can't believe that Boba Fett died. He was a total bad-ass who could, like, kill anyone anytime, but he gets hit by Han, who is temporarily blind from the carbon freezing, and falls into the pit. At least the comic book of Star Wars brought him back for an issue but he's still dead. That's just wrong! What was he doing fighting for Jabba anyway? He was just a bounty hunter who cared about money and would have said, "C-ya," right after he got his money.
Man, like I said, it's a good thing Return of the Jedi isn't on right now or you'd get a whole zine dedicated to how utterly repulsive I think that is. It's as entertaining as a turd in a punch bowl.
Now my skin is crawling to think that Lucas might be bringing us another lamefest with the new series. What's next? A whole movie that takes place on the moon of Endor with those cuddly Ewoks? Be afraid.
-ck
Fun Facts To Know & Tell
Next time you're in a video store you might want to impress your friends by telling them all about Downriver's very own Bill Morrison.
A friend of a friend of a friend, Morrison has done cover art for such esteemed videos as House, House 2 (check the name of the lock & key), Choose Me, School Spirit (it's his wife's maiden name on the sweater), The Little Mermaid, and many others.
I have been assured that it is not a penis hidden among the spires of the underwater castle on the front of The Little Mermaid, as the rumor goes.
Now at Bongo Comics, Morrison is doing just about all the artwork for a lot of the Simpsons titles.
Most recently, he's done the mini-series of Tex Avery's "Wolf & Red" comics along with colorist Nathan Kane.
(Readers might remember Kane posing as the God of Thunder, Gene Simmons, in CdC #2 in a still from Andrew Haupt's film Daze in a Week.)