Here's a list of all the famous people I've seen in person in my 22 years:

  1. Adam West at a car show.
  2. Epstein from "Welcome Back, Kotter" getting out of a car in LA.
  3. Michael Hutchence from INXS and his wife supermodel Helena Christensen walking around downtown. She's real cute.
  4. Kathleen Hanna from Bikini Kill. She's real cute, but would probably kick my ass if I told her so.
  5. Black Francis, back when he still was Black Francis. He walked past a group of us punk kids to watch The Jungle Book on the big screen. He's really short.
  6. Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins. He's really tall and has a birthmark on his entire arm.
  7. Steve Buscemi.

That's right. Mr. Pink. Mink. Chet the Bellhop. Steve-fuckin'-Buscemi. Let's backtrack.

For the past few months my sleepy little hometown of Kansas City, MO has been saturated with cellular-phone-talkin', ponytail-sportin' Hollywood types. First HBO Pictures came to film Truman starring Gary Sinise (Captain Dan to all you Gump-heads) as the Missouri-born and raised president. By most reports, Gary was a jerk who spent many nights swilling booze at the Velvet Dog, K.C.'s hoity-toity nightclub.

Soon after came the R.E.M./Sonic Youth tour for two sold-out shows. Members of these bands flocked to Westport, the arty/funky/punky section of town. Mike Mills, Peter Buck, and Thurston Moore checked out local bands. Kim Gordon went shopping. Bill Berry's head remained intact. Michael Stipe hung out with his friend Dermot Mulroney (who I always thought was too cool to be a member of the River Phoenix/Stephen Dorff/Samantha Mathis Hip Friends of Stipe Club). Dermot was camped out in a hotel room while filming his role in a new movie—which brings us to...

Kansas City, a 1930s period piece about gangsters and jazz helmed by local boy made good Robert Altman. The movie stars Jennifer Jason Leigh (who apparently hasn't shaken the Dorothy Parker out of her system, as she too was seen drunk off her ass at Velvet Dog, though not with Gary Sinise), Miranda Richardson (in for a pregnant Kim Basinger), Michael Murphy (from "Tanner '88"), and, of course, Steve Buscemi, who probably has a criminally small role.

Steve's descent on the city easily caused the most furor with the under-30 set. Stipe and Jennifer Jason Leigh be damned! This was a fucking celebrity! Rumors of Steve Sightings began to pop up: he played Guns N' Roses pinball at Fric N Frac's; he and Jennifer went to see Congo; he was drunk off his ass at Velvet Dog. All of these are subject to speculation, but here are some true encounters with the Man Who Would Be Mr. Purple:

  • A friend of a friend of my cousin plays a bum in the movie who gets beat up by Steve and thrown over a table. They had to do many takes but the bum didn't mind.
  • Ollie, short order cook at Otto's Malt Shop, made Steve a hamburger with twice as much meat than usual out of respect for the man.
  • Friend Johnathan shook his hand at an Italian restaurant. Besides the guy who got fake-beat up, this is the only documented physical contact.
  • Steve got coffee at the Broadway Cafe. This is where I saw him. Twice.

The first time, it was just a glimpse. I was inside, looking out as he walked by. His hair was colored a very light brown. I was awed for a second, but then went back to whatever it was I was doing. It wasn't until later that night that it hit me: Steve Buscemi walked right past me and I didn't do anything. I couldn't sleep and my mind raced, as I started to think of all the things that I should have done, like get an interview for my zine and become his best friend and play doubles tennis with Quentin Tarantino and John Travolta. But alas, that was my chance and I blew it.

Such a fool as I probably does not deserve a second opportunity, but that's what happened a week later. Same coffee shop, but this time he came inside with an unidentified ladyfriend. Kris, who works behind the counter, was so nervous she could barely take his order and her hands shook as she made his double espressos to go. He asked where the bathroom was, but nice like that, not, "Where's the commode in this dungeon? I gotta take a squirt." He even left a very un-Pink-like tip.

After taking a squirt, Steve and his friend sat in a parked car right in front of the shop and drank their coffee. At this point everyone in the coffee shop, myself included, migrated outside. For several awkward minutes everyone milled around nursing ice teas and pretending not to notice the movie star wearing "Dogs"-fashion sunglasses sitting in the rented Buick. Steve paid little to no attention to us. Occasionally he'd look up and he and the woman would have a nice laugh.

In our huddled groups, we'd talk about what we should do to our visitor. Out of these discussions the two most popular options were 1) go up and talk to him and 2) kick his ass and get famous. In the end, no one did nothing. Steve drove off and everyone at the coffee shop ran off to brag about who they just saw. And that's all there is, a memory. He didn't glow in the dark or start shooting up the place. It's pretty anti-climactic, if you think about it. But years from now when Steve is inking the $20 million deal to star as Ren in The Ren and Stimpy Movie, I can say that I saw him way back when. And all I did was stare at him like a freak.

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